Control issues and the lessons learned from them

Control issues. I have them. I don’t seem to be the only carbon-based life form on the planet with control issues either. Let me ask you an honest question; given everything we’ve seen in the world in the last several months, is it even possible to control everything around us? So, why do we keep trying?

Maybe I needed anger management and didn't know it?

I don’t know where I first got the impression that bad things happening in your life were always YOUR fault. I seemed to find that pattern of belief fairly early in life, and I’m talking upper-single digits here. Makes sense, right? Especially when you consider the fact that I was born with a congenital defect in my heart that could have killed me in my mid-teens. Talk about no control over a situation like my health. And yet, that lesson never really seemed to sink in.

There are SOME things in this life we can control.

“Bad things happening is your fault.” Do you know that nagging, internal voice that tells you just how worthless you may actually be? Well, I heard that voice a lot. And it made me so angry. That’s a problem for men, especially when we’re younger.

James 1:20 says “for man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness” (HCSB version). The NIV says it even clearer; “because human anger does not bring about the righteousness that God desires.” I still can’t honestly tell you why it was so hard to control all these years, but I have a theory I’ll get into in a bit.

Thomas Harbin Is a clinical psychologist who wrote a book called “Beyond Anger.” He specialized in treating anger issues in men. Over many years, he saw men lose jobs, wives, and opportunities because they simply couldn’t handle the normal frustrations and disappointments that we all experience in this life.

“They argue, they insult, and they sulk,” Harbin said on page 3 of his book. “They come to think of themselves as ineffective, unlucky, or just plain losers. They don’t admit this to anyone but deep inside, they feel inferior.” Hmm. I think my anger troubles are starting to make sense.

“Other people don’t like these angry men and they don’t like themselves,” Harbin goes on. “Their anger gets in the way of being good bosses, good workers, and good family men. I have also spent a great deal of time evaluating men who’ve been charged with serious crimes, such as assault and murder. Many of these crimes were not premeditated. These men didn’t start with the intention of hurting others. They reacted impulsively, and often acted out of anger.”

I remember talking with my Dad several years ago and told him I’m tired of my temper. I’m tired of being angry as my first response to everything life can throw at me. He said something I didn’t expect: “Most of the time when men get angry, they’re afraid of something.” That seemed a little counterintuitive at first. After all, if my dander is up, there isn’t much I’m afraid of at that moment, right?

Not really. The more I thought, the more I prayed about it, the more I realized what I was so angry about. Losing control. I was still afraid of losing control of my life, having bad things happen, and being a miserable failure in the eyes of others (although I wasn’t sure who the “others” actually were). It still hadn’t sunk into my thick skull that there is a great deal of life we cannot control, no matter how hard we try.

Have you ever had a Bible verse hit you right between the eyes? I took a fresh look at Romans 8:28. “All things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” The Holy Spirit gave me some inspiration that I desperately needed; I was under the mistaken assumption that “all things” meant only “good things.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Life’s challenges often do more for our good than the times that things go smoothly. The turbulent waters of life are when we need to reach out ever harder for God and step into our fear.

I had to ask myself if I truly trusted what the Bible said in this verse. ALL THINGS work for my good. Even the bad things. Bad things are a part of life, they’re to be expected, and they don’t mean you’re a miserable failure. I don’t have to be afraid of bad things anymore. I’m starting to figure out that some of the biggest opportunities in life come disguised as trials.

I tell my kids all the time that the only time we fail is when we quit trying. You keep swinging and I will too.